So… I was trying to add my YouTube video so you wouldn’t have to click on it but whatever… Here’s the link: Is long term monogamy realistic ?
My whole premise in my little series has been: If you are going to be monogamous be faithful to your partner. Otherwise, be honest with your mate and let them know that you want to try something different. Have you ever heard of consensual non monogamy? Let’s face it folks, there are a lot of married people who are non monogamous it’s just not consensual.
I’m a Christian y’all. I understand the whole concept of one man one woman but that is being challenged now and what right do we have to tell people how to live their lives? I say if you have your belief system, that’s wonderful. But I don’t think you should impose it on other people. Give them the information and give them the option to chose their path in life. And contrary to popular belief, these alternative lifestyles are not all about sex. I had a response to my post just before this one and to paraphrase: “Bringing another person into the situation is only going to complicate it and just for a few moments of pleasure/gratification…” Yes, bringing other people in is complex but that just means there must be open communication. Stay tuned for further exploration of this subject. The research is quite compelling. Monogamy forever….? Hmmm?
How far would you be willing to go to spice up your marriage? What do you think the number one reason is that spouses cheat? Lack of excitement in the bedroom…? Only doing it in the bedroom…? Do you think if given the option to get into a “safe cheating environment,” people would take it? Have you ever heard of polyamory? All I’m doing is raising questions folks. Shameless plug in 3, 2, 1… I talk about polyamory in my book – “Confessions of a Reformed Cougar: Younger Isn’t Necessarily Better.” I’m not sure that it would work for many people. I’m only playing devil’s advocate.
Let’s have a grown folks conversation for one minute. You have to know that there are thousands of couples out there where one or both of the spouses are cheating their asses off, right? Are you vaguely familiar with the whole Ashley Madison debacle? An entire website that was set up to facilitate “hook-ups” for married folks…really? We’re just so high-tech now. You have to pay someone to find a hook-up… But I digress… Do you think if you and/or your spouse had permission to cheat via swinging that it would keep them at home?
I’m not passing judgement, I’m just making a statement: If you decide that you are going to stand in front of your friends and family and pledge your undying love to another human being until death do you part, why cheat? Why not just stay single? It goes back to my original question when we started on this journey: Ask yourself why you are in this relationship. There is something to be said for the companionship and comfort of having someone at home but if you know you have commitment issues and you know your spouse will not appreciate sharing you with someone else, why not stay single?
Marriage and monogamy or Single and sexually free? Are you going to get married and stay faithful or are you going to get married and do whatever the hell you want to do? Why not just stay single? I can’t help but to think about Tiger Woods… He wanted the ideal, picture perfect family – the wife and kids but he also wanted run the street with all manner of bimbos… Yeah, I may be showing my age but that’s the nicest name I can think of at the moment. I mean, if you are going to get married, why not put your all into it?
I think the idea of marriage is wonderful. You have a person who has promised to stay with you FOREVER… UNTIL YOU BOTH DIE… That means they will put up with all your bs and you have to put up with all theirs. And truthfully, I don’t think any couple is happy all the time but they are willing to work through their differences and stay committed to one another. There is something rather comforting about having someone there with you if you need a reassuring hug… Is basic companionship one of the most attractive features about getting married?
Last question: Do you need to be madly, passionately in love with someone to marry them?
Why does what Jill and Jane or Stan and Fred do in their bedroom bother you so much? How does allowing them to get married have such an impact or your life? If I choose to share my beliefs with you and they’re different from yours, do I now get to impose my beliefs upon you because I think you’re wrong? I get the whole issue with Christians not believing in gay marriage but I am a Christian who believes in letting others live their lives as they see fit. Allowing same sex couples to live their lives doesn’t change what you believe. Remember, not too terribly long ago, society was dead set against interracial couples getting married. How is this different?
Let’s talk about gender identity for a moment. Many people with Aspergers struggle with gender identity issues. It has nothing to do with them being homosexual, it has more to do with them feeling comfortable. According to my research, some of them do discover that they may be gay but for the most part, it’s just an issue of comfort
Transgender folks have made a decision to wear clothing that doesn’t fit society’s idea of how a man or a woman should dress. Some of them choose to identify themselves as the opposite sex because they say it makes them feel more comfortable. Once again, why does this bother some of you so much? Hell, I hate dresses but I’m not a lesbian. I also enjoy watching sports, drinking beer and smoking cigars… Who decided that these are inappropriate activities for a proper lady to enjoy?
Let’s talk about it. Join the discussion
In responding to my previous question about “space,” there was an assertion made by Jane (not her real name). “If nobody is making an effort to get together, then that is definitely too much space.” It was stated that… “Relationships cannot flourish without time to bond.” How do you feel? Do you need your me time ? My response was, “what if that’s the problem? What if people really don’t want to bond?” I speak about this in my book, “Confessions of a Reformed Cougar: Younger Isn’t Necessarily Better” Get the book.
From a personal perspective, I completely understand the sense of loss and pain involved when you have put your heart and soul into a relationship and it goes south. Humans respond negatively to pain. I suppose as a defense mechanism, we could determine that it’s just easier to have serial relationships that are “safe.” Rather than putting in the work to build a lasting relationship and end up getting badly hurt.
How do we resolve this issue? At what age do you come to the realization that you are too old to be “bed hopping” or “relationship hopping?” When do you grow up and settle down? Come on now, don’t be shy. Lend your wisdom and insight to help us answer these questions.
Join the discussion!
So…before I said I didn’t date much in high school and college. As it turns out, I had a “steady beau” in both high school and college. It seemed as though I had to put forth such an effort to get each of them that I didn’t feel the need to “play the field.” Also, young ladies who had multiple boyfriends back then were not looked upon favorably. There’s also the fact that most Aspies are quite loyal and often stay in relationships long after we should have been gone.
Now that I’m a grown-up, I’ve begun to weigh the pros and cons of being in a “steady” relationship. On the one hand, you have someone who’s always there to support you when you need them. On the other hand, you have someone who’s ALWAYS THERE… What if you’re the type of person who likes to have their own space? When you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, you have to consider your significant other’s feelings and needs. You also have to put the shoe on the other foot as well. What happens when you’re the one feeling down and you need comforting but you have pushed your partner away and they really aren’t feeling like taking on the role of supportive partner? The answer, in my opinion is you can’t have it both ways.
There has to be give and take as well as compromise in a healthy relationship. As you spend more time together and learn to respect each other’s boundaries and needs, you can learn to give each other space as well as supporting and comforting each other when the need arises.
Now allow me to play “Devil’s Advocate” for a moment. Is there something in between for grown folks who want to have the comfort and support of a significant other but not the commitment. Can you get your physical needs met without being in a marriage or relationship? Would you consider that immoral? In my observations, there seem to be a lot of folks out there who want to have the milk without buying the cow…
Let’s save that for another discussion. In the meantime, check out my new YouTube Channel – “Aspie Cougar.” As soon as I post this blog, I’m going to add a question for us to mull over. I hope you will join the discussion with the grown folks.
Intro to my new You Tube Channel
I have a lot going on right now. I’m still trying to help my boy get adjusted to Middle School. Yes he’s been back in school for a while but it takes us a bit longer to get used to new situations. However, we always finish strong. The workload has increased for him so he has to reconcile in his mind that he is going to have to put a bit more effort into his school work now. That’s the thing with people who are brilliant; we know we are brilliant so we have to accept when something is a little more difficult that it’s going to require more of our time and attention.
There have been so many things “pulling” at me lately… I have to try to make a living while giving my son the time and attention that he requires. Please understand, I am not complaining, I’m really not. And please don’t think that I’m making excuses. I have been doing some research and it has come to my attention that I need to focus my efforts in other areas. I’m just glad I found out this information before I wasted anymore time and effort. But you see, the best writers also do copious research. Doing the necessary research helps us to be authentic and believable. I guess my son and I are actually having the same issues…adjusting. As the level of difficulty increases, the level of effort must also increase. So I apologize for not posting more regularly. I will not let it happen again. I believe that I have made the necessary adjustments and I now understand that I must adhere to the schedule that I created in order to get everything accomplished that needs to get done.