I make no secret of the fact that I have often dated younger men. Nowadays, I date men who are slightly older than me, slightly younger or my own age but my preference USED TO BE younger men. I’m certain it’s not just about sex either. After all, age is just a number, right? Therein lies the question – How young is too young? At one time, I was getting rather serious with a gentleman that was 9 – 10 years younger than me. We shared things in common and we enjoyed each other’s company but was that an anomaly? Is there a point where it’s just about sex and the two of you really have nothing to talk about? Seriously, what could I possibly have in common with a 28-year-old man? What about pillow-talk? There should be no shaming involved if both consenting adults are only in it for the sex but what about if one of them decides that he/she wants more? Most 20 and 30 somethings don’t have children yet. I know that at this point in my life I want more than a shallow relationship and I don’t want any more children.
I have friends that are younger than me. I try to stay current with the latest trends in music, fashion, television but let’s face it, there are going to be generational differences. I was reading in my horoscope that I have the ability to communicate across generations. I do know that I get along well with children as well as older folks. Does it become the same type of situation that Demi Moore and Mariah Carey are in? Were Nick Cannon and Ashton Kutcher with them because of reasons other than pure love?
I’ll let you in on a writer’s secret, I wrote this a while ago so both Nick and Ashton are gone… But I digress… Is it the personalities of the folks involved in these two examples or is the age difference just too big of a factor to overcome? I submit that there really is no happily ever after and age may have very little to do with it. The best that we can hope for is to trust the universe to find someone that plays well with our demons and loves us unconditionally and hope for the best.
We are appalled by the fact that polygamy is still practiced in some African countries because we have been indoctrinated by the Eurocentric way of thinking. The simple truth is that many of y’all are in polygamous relationships and don’t even know it. The whole idea of the collective is very Afrocentric but we have been robbed of so much of our history. And we are so brainwashed. We have bought into this winner take all and win at all costs mentality. Even in matters of the heart. The universe is filled with abundance. There is enough for everyone but far too many of us are consumed with Eurocentric self-centeredness.
Thus, my headline… There are far too many men out here who outwardly appear to be in monogamous relationships that are involved with one or more other women than their wives. This whole concept of the “side chick…” Recently, her place in popular culture is looked upon with less judgement. It’s even reflected in our television shows. I give you the most famous fictional side chick – “Olivia Pope of Scandal fame.”
So, the takeaway in all this is how to resolve this situation? I have written before about the concept of monogamy being the anomaly rather than the norm. Is it practical considering the disparity among the number of males to females? Are we as humans going to “behave” or should we just wake up and really be aware of what’s really going on?
I say we face reality and try to figure out how to resolve our hang ups. We all have them but adults can work through them. It’s not intended to be a chaotic situation. The concepts of polygamy and polyamory are real “things” that consenting adults practice daily. Some of them even have children. We’re not going to discuss religion right now but I know it plays a role in all of this. We’ve all been indoctrinated by our oppressors’ religious dogma. But that’s for another day.
My whole premise in my little series has been: If you are going to be monogamous be faithful to your partner. Otherwise, be honest with your mate and let them know that you want to try something different. Have you ever heard of consensual non monogamy? Let’s face it folks, there are a lot of married people who are non monogamous it’s just not consensual.
I’m a Christian y’all. I understand the whole concept of one man one woman but that is being challenged now and what right do we have to tell people how to live their lives? I say if you have your belief system, that’s wonderful. But I don’t think you should impose it on other people. Give them the information and give them the option to chose their path in life. And contrary to popular belief, these alternative lifestyles are not all about sex. I had a response to my post just before this one and to paraphrase: “Bringing another person into the situation is only going to complicate it and just for a few moments of pleasure/gratification…” Yes, bringing other people in is complex but that just means there must be open communication. Stay tuned for further exploration of this subject. The research is quite compelling. Monogamy forever….? Hmmm?
In responding to my previous question about “space,” there was an assertion made by Jane (not her real name). “If nobody is making an effort to get together, then that is definitely too much space.” It was stated that… “Relationships cannot flourish without time to bond.” How do you feel? Do you need your me time ? My response was, “what if that’s the problem? What if people really don’t want to bond?” I speak about this in my book, “Confessions of a Reformed Cougar: Younger Isn’t Necessarily Better” Get the book.
From a personal perspective, I completely understand the sense of loss and pain involved when you have put your heart and soul into a relationship and it goes south. Humans respond negatively to pain. I suppose as a defense mechanism, we could determine that it’s just easier to have serial relationships that are “safe.” Rather than putting in the work to build a lasting relationship and end up getting badly hurt.
How do we resolve this issue? At what age do you come to the realization that you are too old to be “bed hopping” or “relationship hopping?” When do you grow up and settle down? Come on now, don’t be shy. Lend your wisdom and insight to help us answer these questions.
So…before I said I didn’t date much in high school and college. As it turns out, I had a “steady beau” in both high school and college. It seemed as though I had to put forth such an effort to get each of them that I didn’t feel the need to “play the field.” Also, young ladies who had multiple boyfriends back then were not looked upon favorably. There’s also the fact that most Aspies are quite loyal and often stay in relationships long after we should have been gone.
Now that I’m a grown-up, I’ve begun to weigh the pros and cons of being in a “steady” relationship. On the one hand, you have someone who’s always there to support you when you need them. On the other hand, you have someone who’s ALWAYS THERE… What if you’re the type of person who likes to have their own space? When you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, you have to consider your significant other’s feelings and needs. You also have to put the shoe on the other foot as well. What happens when you’re the one feeling down and you need comforting but you have pushed your partner away and they really aren’t feeling like taking on the role of supportive partner? The answer, in my opinion is you can’t have it both ways.
There has to be give and take as well as compromise in a healthy relationship. As you spend more time together and learn to respect each other’s boundaries and needs, you can learn to give each other space as well as supporting and comforting each other when the need arises.
Now allow me to play “Devil’s Advocate” for a moment. Is there something in between for grown folks who want to have the comfort and support of a significant other but not the commitment. Can you get your physical needs met without being in a marriage or relationship? Would you consider that immoral? In my observations, there seem to be a lot of folks out there who want to have the milk without buying the cow…
Let’s save that for another discussion. In the meantime, check out my new YouTube Channel – “Aspie Cougar.” As soon as I post this blog, I’m going to add a question for us to mull over. I hope you will join the discussion with the grown folks.